Oatmeal Uh-Oh
by DeraldSny
Summary: Lum tries to cook for her Darling again, but when Benten makes a huge mistake, the two girls finds themselves in mortal peril... Hopefully Ataru wakes up in time!


Hey, here's my attempt at a Urusei Yatsura fan-fiction! I never actually watched the show, but I've done plenty of research, so hopefully everyone's in-character...

Oatmeal Uh-Oh

A Urusei Yatsura Fan Fiction

by Derald Snyder

"Yo, Lum! You up yet?"

Benten banged on the hatch of Lum Invader's flying saucer, leaning slightly off her hover bike several feet in the air. The hatch then abruptly opened, revealing the Oni herself, who put a finger to her lips before silently beckoning her friend inside. The alien biker chick promptly climbed off her bike and into the saucer, uncaring of the potentially-lethal drop if she slipped. She'd done it many times before, after all.

After quietly closing the hatch, Lum motioned for Benten to follow her into the kitchen, from where a slightly-sweet smell was emanating. Once the door was closed, Benten spoke up, "So, what's with all the hush-hush?"

"Darling's still sleeping," Lum explained. "I didn't wan't your banging waking him up-tcha..."

Benten nodded as she looked over toward a large pot on the stove. "So what, you tryin' to cook him breakfast in bed or something?"

"Exactly," Lum nodded.

"No offense, Lum..." The biker shook her head, "But don'tcha remember what happened last time you tried to cook for Moroboshi?"

"I-it's just oatmeal-tcha," Lum retorted. "A really simple recipe I found on Earth's inter-net! Even I couldn't mess up this one!"

"Right..." Benten sighed. "So why you makin' so much of it? Moroboshi ain't a big eater like that dumb monk..."

The Oni blushed a little. "Well, I d-didn't have some of the right measuring cups and stuff, s-so I had to up-scale the recipe... I mean, I just thought I could refrigerate the rest-tcha..." With that, she took a wooden spoon and stirred the cooking oatmeal...

Or tried to, anyway. "Oops, must've used too much starch-tcha... Benten, can you get the yeast for me?"

"Sure thing," her friend nodded, walking over to the closet and looking through it. "Yeast...yeast... Ah-ha, found it!" She pulled out a bag filled with white powder, though it clearly wasn't flour. "How much ya need?"

"A handful should work," muttered Lum, still trying to stir her concoction. So Benten grabbed a handful and tossed it in, after which Lum found it easier to stir...

But then, it began to bubble violently, the oatmeal overflowing and spilling all over the stovetop. "*Da'tcha!* That's not supposed to happen!" Lum cried as she switched off the heat. "What did you give me? I wanted Earth yeast!"

"Uh..." Benten looked at the label. "Whoooops, it says Oni Super-Yeast..."

"BENTEN, YOU IDIOT!" screamed Lum as she literally threw the pot off the stove to remove it from the heat, its contents spilling over the floor. "Even *I* know you never add more than a pinch of *that* stuff to anything-tcha!" As she said this, the oatmeal began to rapidly expand, bubbling as it soon covered the entire floor...

"Oh, fuck me..." The biker said as she felt the gooey stuff begin to rise up her legs. "Ugh, gotta open the door!" she exclaimed as she began to make her way in that direction.

Lum tried to levitate herself out of the oatmeal, but it clung to her lower legs, pulling her back in. "Ugh! It's like quick-sand-tcha!" She pulled at one leg, then the other to no avail...

Gritting her teeth, Benten managed to yank one leg out of the slop, moving herself forward as best she could. Adrenaline surged through her as she finally made her way to the door, pressing the OPEN button...

Only to buzz as it flashed a red X at her. "Dammit!" she cursed, "the oatmeal's jammin' the door! It'll only open from the other side now!" As she said this, she became aware of said oatmeal now swirling around her waist... "Jeez, some breakfast this is! We might have to eat our way outta this crap if this keeps up!"

Lum wasn't paying attention to her friend, however, more concerned with her own predicament, as the oatmeal rose higher and higher, up her ribcage, before beginning to cradle her bosom... She tried to push herself upward with her arms, only for them to sink in as well, quickly getting glued stuck.

As the Oni wriggled in her entrapment, she was surprised as how nice it felt... it was warm, but not too much so... though it stuck to her skin, she could feel it ripple and jiggle with every move she made, almost as if it was massaging her... Lum drew in a shaky breath as she closed her eyes, continuing to half-heartedly struggle in the thick oatmeal...

"Lum..."

A small smile spread over her face from the sensation... It was just so warm, so sticky, gooey, and jiggly...

"LUM!"

She gasped as she jerked back to reality, focusing once more on Benten, who was stuck as deeply as she was, though she'd managed to keep her arms clear. "Dammit Lum, this ain't a mud bath! We're in serious shit here!"

"Um, sorry..." Lum apologized, flushing a bit... then something occurred to her. "W-where's the rest of the super-yeast-tcha?!"

Benten quickly looked around, as did Lum, their eyes simultaneously locking on the bag of super yeast that floated on the surface of the oatmeal...

Only for it to slide beneath the surface, the oatmeal starting to bubble again.

"NOOOOOOOO!" cried Lum in horror. "Now it's going to fill the whole kitchen-tcha!"

"Shit!" Benten pressed the OPEN button again and again in panic, before said button was swallowed by the expanding oatmaeal, which lifted up Benten and Lum due to bouyancy. Looking up at the rapidly-approaching ceiling, Benten cried, "We're gonna smother in this crap!"

Lum's mind raced as she tried to think of a way out of this peril... then it hit her. "DARLING!" she cried. "DAAAARLIIIING!"

Quickly catching on, Benten began to shout as well, "MOROBOSHI, WAKE UP! WE'RE IN TROUBLE HERE!"

"DARLING, HEEEEEEELLLLLPP!" screamed Lum, her fear multiplying tenfold as her head gently collided with the ceiling, the oatmeal swallowing her bosom and flowing into her cleavage...

"MOROBOSHI, WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP ALREADY!" Benten yelled as loud as she could, even as the oatmeal sucked in her shoulders and rose up her neck...

"DARLING, HELP MMmmmmmpphhh!" Lum's screams were cut off as the thick oatmeal flowed into her open mouth, before plugging her nose... the two women only had time to glance at each other in terror, before the oatmeal completely engulfed them... (No...no!) Lum thought desperately, (It can't end like this... not like this!)

(Fuck, what a way to go,) thought Benten as she continued to writhe in her gooey encasement, trying desperately to keep the oatmeal from entering her lungs... (But at least it doesn't... taste too bad...)

 _A few minutes earlier..._

Ataru Moroboshi was having a wonderful dream. He was running through a field of alien flowers with a strangely sweet smell to them, pursuing Lum and Benten fairies, which called softly to him, though he didn't seem to be making much headway... Finally, he managed to close the distance a bit, only for the Benten Fairy to turn to him and say something along the lines of "wake your lazy ass up already"...

Which he did. His eyes blinked open, seeing the ceiling of Lum's saucer, the fairies and flowers vanished. Groaning, he slowly sat up... "Darn it Benten-sama, you just had to go and ruin it..." However, despite now being awake, he could still smell that slightly-sweet smell... It seemed to be coming from the kitchen.

(Uh-oh, is Lum trying to cook breakfast for me or something?) Deciding he'd better try to head *that* off at the pass, so they could eat something edible at a fast-food joint or something, he got out of bed, dressed only in boxer shorts, making his way to the kitchen door and pressing the OPEN button...

"(Door appears to be jammed. Override?)" spoke the onboard AI.

"Yes," Ataru answered firmly. The door groaned as it finally slid open... revealing a solid mass of oatmeal.

Only his lighting-fast reflexes, developed from enduring several seasons of supernatural slapstick comedy, saved him from getting swallowed up as he dove out of the way. The oatmeal rushed past him, colliding with the opposite wall, before beginning to spread throughout the saucer...

"Dammit, too late!" yelled the pervert as he scrambled for the hatch. "She did it again!" The oatmeal engulfed his feet, causing him to fall down on his hands and knees, fumbling for the release latch... he found something and turned it as hard as he could, breathing a sigh of relief as he heard a muffled click...

Only to realize he'd made a mistake as the hatch opened, showing him a very long drop to the streets below, as gravity took over...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Ataru screamed as he fell out of the saucer to certain doom... only to have the wind knocked out of him as a pair of handle bars hit him in the gut. (Benten's bike!) Oatmeal pouring over him, he managed to get in the seat and rev the hover-bike into gear, driving clear of the gooey porridge that continued to pour out of the saucer...

Which landed directly on Ataru's house, slowly burying it. (Oh yeah, Mom and Dad are gonna love that...) he thought bitterly. A pair of screams caught his attention, looking back to see two relatively human-shaped lumps of oatmeal fall out of the spacecraft.

(Lum and Benten!) "Oh no!" Ataru yelled as he turned the bike around, wiping off the control panel. "Tractor beam, where's the tractor beam?!" He pressed a button, hoping it was the right one... Thankfully it was, as the two women stopped in mid-air, a good amount of oatmeal sloughing off their bodies...

Lum sputtered as she wiped the gooey stuff from her face, her eyes focusing on her betrothed. "Darling! You saved us!" she cried happily.

"*cough cough* About damn time, Moroboshi!" said Benten as she spat oatmeal from her mouth. "My life was flashin' before my eyes, for cryin' out loud!"

Ataru put his hand behind his head sheepishly. "Um, sorry?"

Lum then flew over to Benten, lifting her in a bridal carry. "OK, I've got her, Darling. You can shut off the tractor beam now-tcha." This Ataru did, the two ladies flying up to him.

"Move over, Moroboshi!" Benten ordered, which Ataru gladly did, shifting back as Benten climbed onto the driver's seat. "Oh, my poor baby," she lamented as she wiped more oatmeal off the dash. "This's gonna take weeks to clean up!"

"You got off easy, Benten," Lum retorted. "Do you have any idea how long it's gonna take to clean out my saucer?! If you had just paid a bit more attention to what yeast you were grabbing-tcha..."

The biker sweat-dropped. "Dammit, I'm sorry, Lum... Worst thing is, that oatmeal probably woulda turned out OK if I hadn't screwed up..."

"Oatmeal?" Ataru scraped a little off Benten with his finger, before putting it in his mouth. "Hmmm... this actually isn't half bad..."

"ATARU!" an older female voice echoed from below.

"Aaaand there's Mom. Right on cue..." he sighed.

"Well, guess we better head down there and own up," muttered Benten, Lum nodding in agreement...

 _A little while later..._

Mrs. Moroboshi rubbed her temples. "So, let me get this straight... you, Lum, were trying to cook some oatmeal for Ataru, then Benten added the wrong kind of yeast, which caused it to grow out of control... then Ataru opened the hatch and caused it all to spill onto the house?!" She glared at her son.

"Mother, please," Lum interjected. "If Darling hadn't done what he did, Benten and I would have smothered-tcha! Better to have your house buried than to bury us in the ground-tcha..."

"Not that I'm defending this pervert..." Benten added, "But if it hadn't been for stupid me, this wouldn't've happened in the first place!" She bowed repentantly. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Moroboshi!"

Ataru's mother heaved a sigh. "Well, all right... I suppose I can let my son off the hook just this once. You're all still helping to clean up this mess, though!"

"Actually, Mom... I think it's already being cleaned up..." Ataru pointed behind his mother, causing her to turn around...

Sure enough, there was Rei in tiger-bull form, happily slurping away at the oatmeal that engulfed the house. Cherry was also there, carefully scraping oatmeal into a large bowl with a wooden spoon, before simply tossing the whole bowlful into his mouth.

"*gulp* I warned you that doom would fall upon your house today," the monk admonished. "You should have listened to me!"

"You say that every day, Sakurambou!" Ataru objected.

Lum sighed. "Well at least this day can't get any worse-tcha..."

"LUM!" an angry voice called out. The Oni looked over to see her childhood friend Ran, who seemed extremely ticked off.

"R-Ran-chan? W-what's wrong-tcha?"

"What's wrong?!" the pink-haired alien girl growled. "My Rei-sama is eating delicious food that *you* made!" She whipped out a bazooka. "Are you trying to steal him away from me again?!" She pulled the trigger.

"Eeeep!" Lum squeaked as she ducked, an explosion going off behind her. "W-wait, Ran-chan! It's not what you think-tcha!"

"Like hell it isn't!" Ran retorted as she reloaded, prompting Lum to fly away in panic as she fired again.

"No, Ran-chan! I made it for Darling!" the Oni insisted as she fled, barely dodging another explosion.

"I don't see *him* eating it!" Ran yelled back as she gave chase. The remaining trio could only watch them go in disbelief.

"And yet another typical day dawns in Tomobiki," Ataru muttered.

"...Yep," Benten concurred.

~*Fin*~


End file.
